The paradox in the world of regenerative agriculture which has been glaring to me for some time, is the way so many of us working in this field are leading lives that are not regenerative to the people and social systems upon which the regenerative land management relies. We monitor our soils, we tend to our livestock, we analyze the financials and try to adjust season to season to improve our outcomes. For SO MANY, our personal health and our social lives are the last thing we monitor and tend to, and this leads to degeneration.
I’ve known for some months that something was amiss hormonally, indicated by a few key observations. My cycle shortened from its rhythmic 28 days to 25 then 23 days. Postpartum weight loss was completely stalled, despite a calorie deficit and consistent strength training and walking. Brain fog and unusual fatigue, even with the nuanced gaze of what “normal” energy levels are with a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old. I knew my overall system was not functioning well. In March I did comprehensive hormonal testing and the results tell the story that I believe many high achievers can relate to which is why I want to write about my journey of recovery.
As I write about this, please know I don’t assume a position of expert at all, I write to understand and process, so these writings about HPA axis dysfunction and hormonal imbalances are reflections of what I’m learning as a patient under medical supervision and guidance. I have an allopathic doctor locally who I see occasionally, and I will keep her included in the results of these test, but I seek out the guidance of a naturopathic functional medicine doctor when it comes to this realm of early stage dis-ease, someone to look at my life and health indicators as a whole, and who will dive into the root causes of this gradual decline that could eventually turn into bigger issues if not addressed.
Later this year I will turn 35 and that number, officially my “mid-thirties” has me soberly motivated to look at my health seriously and I feel a deep calling to reclaim some of the spark I feel I’ve lost the past few years. HPA axis dysfunction happens gradually over time, and through chronic stress. This process of dis-ease is SO common especially in women of the child bearing years in which the physical and emotional stressors of pregnancy and postpartum, paired with the normal stressors of life/ work can compound. In my experience, I did not recovery fully from my first pregnancy and postpartum before becoming pregnant again. I know I went into my second pregnancy depleted, as many women do. I think this HPA axis dysfunction has been unfurling for 4 years, a very prolific 4 years for our family and for our businesses. I’m proud of all we have weathered, created, expanded, and it’s taken its toll on my body and this is my year of reclamation.
So, what does it look like for a high performer, mother of 2, business owner etc etc to actually slow the fuck down and recover? I’m on a quest to find out. What I need is my doctor to soberly write me the prescription of rest. I needed data to tell me what I already knew, that I was depleted. I need a reality check that this HPA axis dysfunction and hormonal imbalances are the early stage warning signs that, if left unaddressed, lead to full blown autoimmune or other disease.
What I find compelling about this reconing is that for all my focus on regenerative land management, I’ve known that our current iteration of life was not at all regenerative to US. We are working too hard. It’s been 4 years of battling to stay afloat, to pivot our entire farm business while I set out to found a new business, Range Revolution. Was the hustle worth the depletion? In my opinion, yes, and I’m so grateful my body had the resilience stores to get through the past 4 years. But all the signs, my hormones and my adrenals are all telling me that those resilience stores are depleted and it’s time to rest and recover from the pushing.
Just this morning, I woke up at 4:15 as I usually do 3 times a week to make it to my 5 am gym class. That’s the window of time I’ve had available for working out and I’ve loved the rhythm and routine. I love strenth training, I love the me time, I love feeling strong. Instead of getting myself to class this morning, I sat down and started to write. This was an internal battle between the push impulse, and the rest & recover muscle I must work on right now.
Like many, I don’t have the option to take time off from my career. So I will have to come up with a nuanced plan for rest and recovery that allows for healthy amounts of work, accounts for bouts of lack of sleep due to toddlers being sick etc, and the normal amounts of unexpected stressors that are bound to arise. There will be supplementation to support my hormonal and adrenal recovery, but I know that no amount of supplementation can fix the root cause of the imbalances, they can assist but not replace the very real presecription of rest.
Years ago I read the book “Rest” by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang and it was impactful. I’m re-visiting this book again now and I highly recommend it to any high performer who struggles to prioritize rest.
The world feels like it moves at an ever increasing pace when I pay attention to certain things. When I remove certain lenses, when I immerse it things that put me into flow state, time expands and slows down. So that is a key part of my process of reclamation this year, removing the inputs that make me feel like time is condensing and the world is spinning faster, and immerse more into the things that make time expand and life slow down. For me the time expanding and restful pastimes are time with my horses, gardening, and writing. I can get lost in these times and 2 hours can feel like 6. Those are the indicators I’m paying attention to and prioritizing in my quest to slow the fuck down and recover.
I have a feeling these topics of chronic stress, high performance leading to depletion, deprogramming years of fight-or-flight-or-freeze responses, re-learning how to *really* rest are topics that many of my age group can relate to. I am hearing the women in my life speak about these topics more and more. So, as I go along, I will continue to write candidly about the process of unraveling this old operating system while I continue on with a life of entrepreneurship and raising babies.
Our bodies will tell us in subtle ways that there is dysfunction, and that whisper will eventually lead to much more abrupt signals if left ignored. I believe I am catching this in the whisper stage before my body begins to shout. If you are reading this and you have being suppressing the whispers, I encourage you to listen and address is sooner than later. Your future self will thank you.
With love and humility,
Cate in the process of reclamation
I read this and thought, That was me at the same age! I had shingles at age 32. My health care providers were like Wait that’s an old stressed out person’s disease …. And the depletion goes on from there.
I’m 59 now and the self care coupled with ambition is freaking hard. I just had my ass handed to me a couple months ago and I thought When will I learn? But in reality, I just simply love to live life and grab it with both hands.
every decade brings its challenges (health, financial, career, etc) — good for you for all the work you’re doing. It will serve you well. Live on, dream on and rest well. 💜
So well written. I relate so deeply. I'm 30 with an aggressive autoimmune disease and just south of you in Terrebonne on our little plot we manage regeneratively and part of that other the past 6 years has been making it regenerative for us as well, where the balance is especially with two kids 5 and under and my shaky health but strong desire to live! Horses and writing are what I'm leaning into to heal and laying down to rest wherever my kids are playing, haha. Chinese Herbs and acupuncture have been a huge part of my healing just message if you are interested in knowing more about that path, it's restored my hope I'll be ok! Thanks for sharing and your words!